Don't blame the man

Don't blame the man, you created the bitterness yourself.

When you first met, friendship blossomed and sooner than you thought everything else became history. You professed you love for him and dying-ly swore to him that the world would never part you. You gave it all to him, the love of your life. Things were good, at least they seemed so. You had finally gotten what you wanted in a man. It was not long before you sought for that "candid advice' on how to treat him. and even without a thought put the advice to work. So you wanted his money not his heart in exchange for your love. You wanted the high life and all the bliss and so you suddenly got a new lock to your heart. He loved, yes he did... he tried his best to keep you close. He gave you the money, but it was not enough. He took you places, you were not satisfied. While you were gaining, he was loosing out. His emotions were drained, his finances were tight and when you talked about it, the best you did was to lie on that bed and offer your body to him. You know why he took it? He wanted to keep you close....
Your thirst, however, dissatisfied, you went on to look for more investors... time and again you fought because you were too busy 'doing business'.
When you had enough of the fights, you decided to leave. and when you did, all you left behind was a poor broke man with a broken heart and a broken promise. The bitterness you created in him, was as loud as the grave silence but you did not even care. So, you turned him from the love of your life to all the ugliest and funniest names.
Mmh, investments grew and deals got better, but when the investors reaped their profit they too left. Others could not wait because the deal was weak. Now here you are, aging poor and desperate for love. So desperate that you find yourself in the hands of any man who looks at you twice. still you will not be satisfied.  Because the bitterness you created still lingers on.
 It has grown a routine and now when they come, 'they just do what they want' and leave you.
You have been rubbed with all roughness, bruised and now you have a wound. this wound grows deeper with every engagement, but he is still as bitter as the wound you have.
So, stop branding them with the same label; the label you marked yourself. Don't accuse them of the bitterness they rubbed in you because somewhere another bitter soul breeds.
I will tell you this, the bitter soul will heal and with time it will blossom again and love. This time with caution but with every step, it will grow fond and passion will overwhelm. This love will be true and the edges you trimmed will be the walls that will protect it. The lessons of the past will be its strength. But before you heal, before you treat the wound, before you cover the scar, he will be happy. So, when you meet him with a smile do not trigger the memories. Do not be sad, because you created the bitterness yourself. Set him free, stop accusing him, and just know that with time, you too will heal.
So stop blaming him, you created the bitterness yourself.

Because He loved me...

When I first met Him, nothing stood out for me other than being an ordinary man. So I took Him to be just like the rest of the men I had known. I did not pay attention and even tried to avoid Him, especially His conversation. Those who knew Him before me advised me that He was a good person but no, that was not what I was looking for. All I wanted was someone who would make me feel important and loved by my own descriptions. Yes, I wanted some fun and that I had but from others who were not like Him. He wanted me to follow Him and just obey but that was a little too much of Him asking, it was like a command. I had not had enough, I kept telling myself. I thought I had it all until it wasn't fun any more.
Then I came to this time and I felt completely empty. All the years of fun gone by just felt wasted. I could count all the things I had done only to end up soaked in tears. There was nothing to look back to and not even a thing to hope for.
I went to them that had been my friends in our good times and they turned their backs on me. The men who danced with me in the rain and in disco lights could not sit with me now. All the laughter and joy had withered into tears and regret. It was all gone. I felt used, wasted, hated and abused.
 I had come to an end. My thoughts and acts were nothing but the end. Life had come to an end....
So now i had to do it; end it for my self. I searched trees, bridges, cliff, highways.... what would be the easiest! The I finally made my mind.
While I sat there in my last thoughts, in painful memories and in regret, He appeared just from no where. I wanted to run to Him, but strength failed me. He stood there patiently looking at me and then He stretched out His arms for me. I was hesitant and then something caught my attention, He had large marks of scars on His hands. I shivered. Was he a criminal? How did he get hurt? Was he here to hurt me too? I asked myself. But when He spoke, this is what He said to me. "Child I did this for you. While you were still running around trying to find love and happiness, I gave up my life to have you live. All this while my hands were open to receive you and offer the comfort you wanted but you were too busy to notice me." I cried, I wanted to explain it but He would not let me. He said, "child, I was always with you. I walked beside you and sometime behind you. I even walked ahead just to make sure you are safe, so I know it all. Just come back to me." I walked to His arms, and from that moment I felt warmth, love and so much peace in my heart. He lifted me from the dust, dirt and filth that I had emersed myself in. Then He started walking away and I begged Him to stay or at least let me go with Him.
This assurance He gave me.... I WILL BE WITH YOU TO THE VERY END OF TIME, and I will always walk with you, you just have to believe.

A letter to a dear daughter in love.

Dear Lilian,
Sorry that this has to be addressed to you. Written in tears and shaky hands contains a message from deep down a caring and motherly heart.
You know by now how much I care about you and even if at least I have not always been there I have tried to show it somehow.
Any way, this is what I want to say, In my life I have gone through some very troubling experiences among them rape and lots of rejection and although I never had the courage to share this with you I want you to know that I would not want anyone to go through anything I have gone through. That is why I always commit myself to taking you home after our church meetings to make sure you are safe.
I have however come to realize that as much as I want to, I can not always protect you. There are times when I need some space for other issues in life and sometime I have so much that I go through. I can not carry this anymore and I feel you are old enough to understand that I will not always be there for you.
I know its hard, but I have thought of that day when I will not be with you and even those days when you go to school by yourself and the only thing I can do for you is to let you know so that you can be able to take care of yourself.
I want you to know that even when I will not be there for you, I always cared and if there shall come a time when you need a friend to talk to and to walk you home again I will be there.



Signed with love,
Jey.

Open up

I have realized that we, humans, are very friendly and well able to give sound advice whenever someone (a friend) is going through issues. But when we ourselves are faced with a problem of relative magnitude, we are so fast to retreat to our pity-party advises or are quick to seek those who seem to be strong, able or willing to support us. Well, this is perfectly normal and OK, but why do we fail to talk and advice ourselves? Is it because we do not trust us or is our inner voice weak or silenced by external factors?
I have taken time to look into my personal life and i have realized a number of factors.
 First, I need to open up to myself. Yes. In the face of the world, I am and live by their definition. Only in my eyes can I be myself. Only to myself can i remain true. So i need to let my heart and my mind take a single personality to build a character that others see.
Secondly, in times of distress, pain or anger, it is hard to be true to myself. i look at things with emotions, and just like everyone else I look for a stronger shoulder to lean on. If i don't get one when and where I desire, I turn my anger and vengeance to the absence of others. In order to remain strong and true to myself, when my heart is at peace and less tasked, I will take time to build my soul with positive inspirations and advice that it can bank in case of emergency. This way I can survive some dry seasons.
Third, a smile is important and very healthy. No matter what storms are in my life, life is still beautiful and i can show someone that it is just that I choose to see it differently.
Forth, everyone despite there personality is worth a chance. I let the people whom I come across accomplish their purpose in my life by giving them a chance. I hold the key to the doors of my life and the permission to grant access and I know that no one can hurt me unless I give them a chance to. Some are here for a reason, some for a season and others a life time, and when there time is due, I should learn to let go. From my experience in life, the ability to let go is found in a self centered strength that is unique to everyone.
I have considered this blog as an opportunity for me to put down experiences, advises, stories and wishes as my ideas of the worldas one of my happiness factors.